Once the dog has quit his barking,
"Son", my neighbor said to me:
"Know the emptiness of talking blue
(the same old sheep)"

Run - I'll do no more this walking
Haunted by a past I just can't see
Anymore
Anymore

But let me tell you: I have never planned
To let go of the hand

that has been clinging by its thick country skin
To my yellow country teeth

Far, far away in West Virginia
I had tried New York City
Explaining that the sky holds the wind

The sun rushes in

And a child with a shotgun

Can shoot down honeybees that sting
(But this boy could use a little sting)

Who? ...will get me to a party?
Who? ...do I have yet to meet?
You ...you look a bit like coffee
And you taste a bit like me.
How? ...can I keep me from moving?
Now ...I need a change of scenery!

Just listen to me:

I won't pretend to
Understand the movement of the wind
Or the waves out in the ocean

Or how like the hours,

I change softly, slowly,
Plainly blindly oh me oh my!

If this was the Cold War we could keep each other warm
I said on the first occasion that I met Marie
We were crawling through the hatch that was the missile silo door
And I don't think that she really thought that much of me

I never had to learn to love her like I learned to love the Bomb
She just came along and started to ignore me
But as we waited for the Big One
I started singing her my songs
And I think she started feeling something for me

We passed the time with crosswords that she thought to bring inside
What five letters spell "apocalypse" she asked me
I won her over saying "W.W.I.I.I."
She smiled and we both knew that she'd misjudged me

Oh Marie it was so easy to fall in love with you
It felt almost like a home of sorts or something
And you would keep the warhead missile silo good as new
And I'd watch you with my thumb above the button

Then one night you found me in my army issue cot
And you told me of your flash of inspiration
You said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely's only thought
And all night long you drove me wild with your equations

Oh Marie do you remember all the time we used to take
We'd make our love and then ransack the rations
I think about you leaving now and the avalanche cascades
And my eyes get washed away in chain reactions

Oh Marie if you would stay then we could stick pins in the map
Of all the places where you thought that love would be found
But I would only need one pin to show where my heart's at
In a top secret location three hundred feet under the ground

We could hold each other close and stay up every night
Looking up into the dark like it's the night sky
And pretend this giant missile is an old oak tree instead
And carve our name in hearts into the warhead

Oh Marie there's something tells me things just won't work out above
That our love would live a half-life on the surface
So at night while you are sleeping
I hold you closer just because
As our time grows short I get a little nervous

I think about the Big One, W.W.I.I.I.
Would we ever really care the world had ended
You could hold me here forever like you're holding me tonight
I look at that great big red button and I'm tempted

It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don’t matter, anyhow
An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don’t know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I’ll be gone
You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on
Don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
I’m on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin’ anyway
So don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
I can’t hear you anymore
I’m a-thinkin’ and a-wond’rin’ all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don’t think twice, it’s all right

I’m walkin’ down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
But goodbye’s too good a word, gal
So I’ll just say fare thee well
I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right

---

I spent too much time not listening to Bob Dylan. I hope to rectify that grievous error now.

---

Officially hit the "three month" of sobriety milestone last week; this process was significantly easier than any of my foes suspected. Turns out I'm not an alcoholic, and if I'm tasked with giving up drinking for the rest of my life to prove it to my detractors, then that's what I'll do. It was the smart move in the short-term, especially considering the trials and tribulations I've been going through lately (both literally and figuratively, forgive the pun); considering the high potential for mental instability, it wouldn't make sense to add an executive-function inhibitor into the mix. Some would do well to take that advice, but I can only hold responsibility for myself. Also, who needs to add a depressant to an already depressed mind? Stupid move, Danno. I feel great about it, though. It's empowering to be willfully sober again; it allows me to be a DD for students who need it, and I never have to wonder whether my actions are because of drink or because of my personality (and I've been making significantly better decisions lately, which helps).

---

Officially divorced, as I'm sure the rumor mill has spread around. It wasn't a choice I wanted to make, but given the circumstances, it was the only option I had at my disposal. It went surprisingly well; significantly less drama than the wedding day itself, which should be a glaring neon sign about the nature of the relationship. Also, she didn't have the decency or desire to show up, which I'll take as a symbol of the course of the majority of our marriage in the first place.

---

Doing well in school, so don't worry about that. It's been helpful to have books to dive into when shit hits the fan; hunkering down to study puts some emotional and mental distance between myself and all the drama whirling around Lburg, which is a welcome reprieve. I have my neuro final tomorrow, which I'm confident about, and then some relaxation for the rest of the week.

---

The family has been encouraging, supportive and understanding. Everything I could hope for, and I'm grateful that I have a family that is willing and able to pick up some of the stress off my shoulders when it is getting too overwhelming. Matt and Stef are expecting the twins in a few months, and I can't wait to meet them. Mom bought her house in GR, and it looks like one of my friends from highschool may be interested in buying Grandma's old place.

---

Last night I decided that the mourning period is over. I've put in some significant and appropriate time being upset, and confused, and lost, and hurt, and angry, and scared. As I described to my Dad, it feels like I've been attending a funeral this whole time. That makes it easier, in a sad way. It feels like my wife died in November, suddenly and unexpectedly, to be replaced with a malicious and insane twin sister, who wants nothing else but to ruin my life. A little hyperbole, but the most accurate way I can describe it. That viewpoint has been verified by everyone else on the periphery of the situation, so that's how I've been operating. It wasn't my fault she died; she was sick for her whole life, and all it took was a small impulse to push her over the edge from teetering on the brink of terminally ill to death. I mourn the loss of my wife, and wish I could have gotten her in to see a doctor sooner, maybe we could have taken more aggressive steps to prevent the deterioration of her health, but she was unwilling to go. I can't be tasked with saving other people, only myself. And I'm well on the way to doing that. I've learned some valuable lessons over the past few months, years, etc. Unfortunately, those are lessons I have to keep close to my chest, because they're just for me.

I hope you've learned some too.

Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More (Acoustic)

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Live unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea and one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

"All The Best"

I wish you love And happiness
I guess I wish you All the best
I wish you don't Do like I do
And ever fall in love with Someone like you
Cause if you fell Just like I did
You'd probably walk around the block like a little kid.
But kids don't know They can only guess
How hard it is To wish you happiness

I guess that love Is like a Christmas card
You decorate a tree You throw it in the yard
It decays and dies And the snowmen melt
Well I once knew love I knew how love felt
Yeah I knew love Love knew me
And when I walked Love walked with me
And I got no hate And I got no pride
Well I got so much love That I cannot hide

Say you drive a Chevy Say you drive a Ford
You say you drive around the town till you just get bored
Then you change your mind For something else to do
And your heart gets bored with your mind and it changes you
Well it's a doggone shame And it's an awful mess
I wish you love I wish you happiness
I wish you love I wish you happiness
I guess I wish you All the best

My heart's in the ice house, come hill or come valley;
Like a long ago Sunday when I walked through the alley
On a cold winter's morning to a church house
just to shovel some snow.

I heard sirens on the train track howl naked gettin' nuder,
An altar boy's been hit by a local commuter
just from walking with his back turned
to the train that was coming so slow.

You can gaze out the window get mad and get madder,
throw your hands in the air, say "What does it matter?"
but it don't do no good to get angry,
so help me I know

For a heart stained in anger grows weak and grows bitter.
You become your own prisoner as you watch yourself sit there
wrapped up in a trap of your very own
chain of sorrow.

I been brought down to zero, pulled out and put back there.
I sat on a park bench, kissed the girl with the black hair
and my head shouted down to my heart
"You better look out below!"
Hey, it ain't such a long drop, don't stammer don't stutter
from the diamonds in the sidewalk to the dirt in the gutter
and you carry those bruises to remind you wherever you go.

- John Prine

Michigan tour spawns dreams about Korean invasion:

I had a little whirlwind week recently, in celebration of completion of the MCAT (before you ask, it takes 30 days for the sword to drop, so I won't know how well I did until then). I had long been debating whether or not I should take a class or work for the last month of summer vacation; and as I had been consistently taking classes for the past year and a half, including winter and summer courses, I decided to take a mental-health month.

Last Tuesday I flew back to Michigan to go on a mini-tour with White Pines and That's Him! That's the Guy! in Marquette, Traverse City, and Lansing. On the ride to the airport, I sleepily discovered one of my plugs had gone missing, so I had to replace it with a bic pen cap: effectively turning me into a highschool student all over again. An inauspicious start to what was a fun-filled thrill ride of the summer.

Flying to Marquette was worth any of the subsequent drama of the road; being able to see my family after such a long hiatus was exactly what my mind needed. Indeed, the only thing that would have made the experience any more enjoyable would have been if Katie had been able to come with me to experience the yoop magic. Unfortunately, she had to work and it was on me to represent the von Ercks back to MI. The shows went well, and despite some monumental car drama on the way back (read: the engine is kaputzki), the whole trip was great. I got to see some old and dear friends, play some great music, get very very drunk and get very very little sleep in three days. The flight back put me in NY around 9, and then our train to Pennsylvania was at 1, to visit one of our best friends, AMC. We went to Hershey park, I got nauseated on a rollercoaster, we watched some of the cheesiest horror movies of all time, accompanied with some very strong margaritas for courage, and all was well.

Now on Saturday Katie and I are flying to Minnesota to hang out at the Erck family cabin at Swan Lake for a week. We're going to be there with Steve McQueen, having a world-class time, and I couldn't be more excited. The whole clan is going to be there, and we're going to have some awesome times.

---

The real reason for this post involves the dream that I just woke up from. I'll give the details in a rapid-fire manner, as they come to me. My sleep deprivation and thorough pickling has made for some very strange dreams lately, but this one takes the cake:

I was on a cruise ship off the coast of Florida, playing music with Chris Bathgate and White Pines. Most of our good friends were there with us, which was rad; we all had a deck to ourselves, which was beneficial, because when we noticed the atomic bombs falling off in the distance, we were all together and able to formulate a plan.

The ship docked in Florida, and we were all sequestered in a hotel just off the beach, and things returned to general normalcy, We had been shuttled around on old yellow school busses from place to place, and the hotel was nice. We were able to play videogames and perform music for everyone that was there with us. Then I realized that my mom and stepdad were in Florida as well on vacation, and I wasn't able to get them on the phone. Eventually I contacted them, my mom said she was packing to try and get back to Michigan, but she wasn't sure how she was going to get out of the area because there were roving gangs of post-apocalyptic zombie types on the streets.

At this point, I had to contact the locally-installed Korean governer (as the US had been taken over by a joint task force of Chinese and Korean soldiers). I explained the situation to him, and he was remarkably understanding, issuing me a pass to travel throughout the new Korean province of Florida until I found my family. The two people who were most adamant about my not leaving on my own were Chris Bathgate (who the whole time had a mandolin strapped on his shoulder, "for emergencies"), and my sister Jodi (who is currently stationed in Afghanistan, but in the dream was on R&R and now in charge of the US detainees on the coast).

We stole a humvee and the four of us (Katie included, of course), drove off into the sunset to battle whatever may come. I woke up with "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner on my lips.