Once the dog has quit his barking,
"Son", my neighbor said to me:
"Know the emptiness of talking blue
(the same old sheep)"

Run - I'll do no more this walking
Haunted by a past I just can't see
Anymore
Anymore

But let me tell you: I have never planned
To let go of the hand

that has been clinging by its thick country skin
To my yellow country teeth

Far, far away in West Virginia
I had tried New York City
Explaining that the sky holds the wind

The sun rushes in

And a child with a shotgun

Can shoot down honeybees that sting
(But this boy could use a little sting)

Who? ...will get me to a party?
Who? ...do I have yet to meet?
You ...you look a bit like coffee
And you taste a bit like me.
How? ...can I keep me from moving?
Now ...I need a change of scenery!

Just listen to me:

I won't pretend to
Understand the movement of the wind
Or the waves out in the ocean

Or how like the hours,

I change softly, slowly,
Plainly blindly oh me oh my!

If this was the Cold War we could keep each other warm
I said on the first occasion that I met Marie
We were crawling through the hatch that was the missile silo door
And I don't think that she really thought that much of me

I never had to learn to love her like I learned to love the Bomb
She just came along and started to ignore me
But as we waited for the Big One
I started singing her my songs
And I think she started feeling something for me

We passed the time with crosswords that she thought to bring inside
What five letters spell "apocalypse" she asked me
I won her over saying "W.W.I.I.I."
She smiled and we both knew that she'd misjudged me

Oh Marie it was so easy to fall in love with you
It felt almost like a home of sorts or something
And you would keep the warhead missile silo good as new
And I'd watch you with my thumb above the button

Then one night you found me in my army issue cot
And you told me of your flash of inspiration
You said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely's only thought
And all night long you drove me wild with your equations

Oh Marie do you remember all the time we used to take
We'd make our love and then ransack the rations
I think about you leaving now and the avalanche cascades
And my eyes get washed away in chain reactions

Oh Marie if you would stay then we could stick pins in the map
Of all the places where you thought that love would be found
But I would only need one pin to show where my heart's at
In a top secret location three hundred feet under the ground

We could hold each other close and stay up every night
Looking up into the dark like it's the night sky
And pretend this giant missile is an old oak tree instead
And carve our name in hearts into the warhead

Oh Marie there's something tells me things just won't work out above
That our love would live a half-life on the surface
So at night while you are sleeping
I hold you closer just because
As our time grows short I get a little nervous

I think about the Big One, W.W.I.I.I.
Would we ever really care the world had ended
You could hold me here forever like you're holding me tonight
I look at that great big red button and I'm tempted

It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don’t matter, anyhow
An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don’t know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I’ll be gone
You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on
Don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
I’m on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin’ anyway
So don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
I can’t hear you anymore
I’m a-thinkin’ and a-wond’rin’ all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don’t think twice, it’s all right

I’m walkin’ down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
But goodbye’s too good a word, gal
So I’ll just say fare thee well
I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right

---

I spent too much time not listening to Bob Dylan. I hope to rectify that grievous error now.

---

Officially hit the "three month" of sobriety milestone last week; this process was significantly easier than any of my foes suspected. Turns out I'm not an alcoholic, and if I'm tasked with giving up drinking for the rest of my life to prove it to my detractors, then that's what I'll do. It was the smart move in the short-term, especially considering the trials and tribulations I've been going through lately (both literally and figuratively, forgive the pun); considering the high potential for mental instability, it wouldn't make sense to add an executive-function inhibitor into the mix. Some would do well to take that advice, but I can only hold responsibility for myself. Also, who needs to add a depressant to an already depressed mind? Stupid move, Danno. I feel great about it, though. It's empowering to be willfully sober again; it allows me to be a DD for students who need it, and I never have to wonder whether my actions are because of drink or because of my personality (and I've been making significantly better decisions lately, which helps).

---

Officially divorced, as I'm sure the rumor mill has spread around. It wasn't a choice I wanted to make, but given the circumstances, it was the only option I had at my disposal. It went surprisingly well; significantly less drama than the wedding day itself, which should be a glaring neon sign about the nature of the relationship. Also, she didn't have the decency or desire to show up, which I'll take as a symbol of the course of the majority of our marriage in the first place.

---

Doing well in school, so don't worry about that. It's been helpful to have books to dive into when shit hits the fan; hunkering down to study puts some emotional and mental distance between myself and all the drama whirling around Lburg, which is a welcome reprieve. I have my neuro final tomorrow, which I'm confident about, and then some relaxation for the rest of the week.

---

The family has been encouraging, supportive and understanding. Everything I could hope for, and I'm grateful that I have a family that is willing and able to pick up some of the stress off my shoulders when it is getting too overwhelming. Matt and Stef are expecting the twins in a few months, and I can't wait to meet them. Mom bought her house in GR, and it looks like one of my friends from highschool may be interested in buying Grandma's old place.

---

Last night I decided that the mourning period is over. I've put in some significant and appropriate time being upset, and confused, and lost, and hurt, and angry, and scared. As I described to my Dad, it feels like I've been attending a funeral this whole time. That makes it easier, in a sad way. It feels like my wife died in November, suddenly and unexpectedly, to be replaced with a malicious and insane twin sister, who wants nothing else but to ruin my life. A little hyperbole, but the most accurate way I can describe it. That viewpoint has been verified by everyone else on the periphery of the situation, so that's how I've been operating. It wasn't my fault she died; she was sick for her whole life, and all it took was a small impulse to push her over the edge from teetering on the brink of terminally ill to death. I mourn the loss of my wife, and wish I could have gotten her in to see a doctor sooner, maybe we could have taken more aggressive steps to prevent the deterioration of her health, but she was unwilling to go. I can't be tasked with saving other people, only myself. And I'm well on the way to doing that. I've learned some valuable lessons over the past few months, years, etc. Unfortunately, those are lessons I have to keep close to my chest, because they're just for me.

I hope you've learned some too.